The biggest problem with teaching a brand psanky new speciifcation A-Level is that there are bugger all resources for it. It means you are marking and blind and when the buggers say "what did I get?" you look spacey.

It's been an interesting week, filled with bullying, mentoring, parents and panic ... and my darling Dantes failed his MOT. I cried. Well, later on. The guys in the garage were really sorry about it and kept apologising which was nice. They even strapped my Cheshire Cat Plushie properly into the back seat so he didn't fall off.

Okay I know many people are reading this and thinking "it's just a car" but he's the most expensive thing I have bought I was really proud when I passed my driving test (this is taking into account I can parallell park beautifully but still need a favourable wind, my lucky K9 air freshner and a Shaman chanting good luck prayers for me to get out of Sainsburys car park) so I lavish affeciton on him ... and K-chan to who is snuffling beside me and wishing he could sleep.

It cost me £200, two and a half hours in an unheated Kwik Fit waiting area, a stuck on brake light, a re-take MOT of pain, £5 of extra petrol, 20 mins of laptop battery, a snickers bar, and an hour of a poorly K-chan's time to get him healthy and happy again.

K-chan as I type is a snuffly K-chan, he's caught the winter cold and is ridden with it, dripping like a tap. I am not envious but I confess I am a little worried aobut catching it. Having hada four onth long cold last year I don't want another. Yet its it's hard to keep the Bubble-Girl-Germs-Yuckkie-Getiit-Away when your beloved wants fuss and then the kids at school think giving you every infection under the sun would be a really great early-Christmas gift. my tutor room currently looks like a branch of Boots they are bringing in that much pills and medicine.

Also taking a little solace in the fact that this is mine and K-chan's last free weekend before the parties and the bookings start to take up time, last week it was the CULES annual dinner and I can report that my hair went well for once and one of my sixth formers was one of the waiters. Joy. Nothing quite chills the soul like a  "Hey miss" when you are in a distinctly figure hugging corset (boyfriend with foot in the back style - bless the K-chan, he has a new skill to put on his cv)  and joking about spanking with a tux-clad acquaintance.

Talking of the bratpack I also had something akin to a blooper to share with you. With my AS Level English language group we ar e studying gender ... cue blah blah blah conversation women gossip woo ... but the home I have set them is as follows:

"Take a transcript from a toy advertisement aimed solely at boys or girls and alter that language style to make it more appealing to the opposite gender."

My Little Pony    ->  My Mighty Stallion
Star Wars Millenium Falcon Mech Set - Star Days - Centenary Sparrow Hair Salon

Actually I do have a blooper, from year 8 creative writing stories

"He was a real criminal you know, but anyway, I digest." (He doesn't know where he went wrong!)

Those were their first suggests ... bless them

I made my Year 8 boys curtsey to me before they were allowed to go (we are studying Shakespeare's theatre and the boy actors) ... they are my favourite group ... I'm so horrible to them.

Meh ... why why oh why has it chosen to snow over the weekend. Why can't it do the sensible thing and turn up on the weekdays. Damnit I want a snow day! I ahve the Pimms Number 3 all ready for it!!

Odd week this last week. Many things happening.

 

The key thing was the realisation that I have lost five Media Studies lessons and consequently am three weeks behind with my scheme of work. So obviously my group are not going to do as good representation essay as they could do! But no, interim grades must go out NAO despite not having them for six weeks.

 

Also on Thursday and Friday I was ill. Ill enough to find driving difficult but not so ill that I felt guilty for not wobbling up into school and trying to teach. Problem is it’s difficult to teach whilst shaking and so I had a frustrating two days in bed (and no sleep last night). I have now arrived back to a mess with my sweet Year 8s causing havoc with their cover teacher and my 9s causing a riot. Also I need to lay down the law on my Year 10s. The one consolation being that my Year 11s switched on their ipods and descended into a happy creative haze.

 

Also I have gained a new laptop. Chii has been gracefully committing suicide for the last few weeks and has been consigned to being the House and Torrent computer (one of four: K-chan’s RISCOS, his mini RISCOS, my old Dell Lappy and now Chii). At first it started with the battery conking out. Then an upturn in the amount of hanging and simple freezing. Then the keyboard packs up. Then the touchpad packs up. So Chii now needs an external mouse and keyboard to actually work.

 

So one quick trip to Tesco’s and the purchase of Haruka – an upgraded Chii. Haruka very shiny next to Chii. However with one problem. VISTA. Ick. Sadly Haruka does not come with XP but the cursed Vista  which is icky to use and gobbles up the RAM. Hated it on sight and use (including Office 2007) and so made wide shiny eyes at K-chan’s copy of XP-Pro (software engineer partner infinitely talented and useful). However the conversation went something like this.

 

Haruka: NoNoNo … has Vista pre-installed … XP smells … icky.

Chibi: Do it.

Haruka: No

Chibi: Do it.

Haruka: No

Chibi: K-chan!

Haruka: 0_O

K-chan: Do it.

Haruka: No …

K-chan: *holds magic computer-style LoLHammer* Do it.

Haruka: Eeepso0rs

K-chan: Take it like a Dell

Haruka: … but I’m an Acer …

K-chan: PRETTY SPARKLE DUAL BOOT ACTION

Haruka: *_* …

Chibi: BIPOLAR LAPTOP!! WOO!

K-chan: Any complaints?

Haruka: … if I say yes … will the scary man go away?

Chibi: Yes …

Haruka: I’ll be good.*twitchtwitch*

 

So we now have Haruka the Spacky-Happy Lappy.

 

… I keep telling myself only four days until half term ….

 

Bloopers from Poetry Coursework:

“Mary Ann Evans wrote her poem as a man because it was just easier that way.”

“Evans uses Enjambement which makes the poem sound even more boring than it is.”

Birthday was a quiet affair, but did get lots of nice cards and a bunch of sweetpeas from another teacher, they have made the whole office smell pleasant, also roses from Mamam and Papa which make the flat smell nice. K-chan also made the day pleasant with a nice meal out and cocktails at our favourite bar and a nice performance of Richard III to go to. ^_^

Random Bloopers
"Simon is having fits in this chapter because the lord of the flies is talking to him and he's like freaking out over the pig head because it's not usual to have a pig head talking to you"

Staffroom and English Office Comments

1) I think he's a candidate for prick of the week.
2) There is something between those ears ... it's either fluff or squirrels but there is something.
3) (a crying Year 7 at the office door) Oh, she's back and this time she's bought the support group.
4) Bullying? Bullying? I remember real bullying. The kind where therapists quake when you arrive.
5) They notice when I change my earrings but not when Tess dies ...
6) How do you tell a parent their child is plankton?
7) Tell them he's "special plankton".
8) Hey if you can build volcanos I can make them kill pigs
9) Has no one realised yet that I run on cake?
10) How many Year 10s are worth one of your 9s?
11) I'll give you two 9s for your resources and some bubblegum.
12) Can someone make a noise? I want to eat my biscuit without you looking at me.
13) Well she's a little, two-faced lying cow, but not in a bad way of course.
14) "They're like Gremlins .. get them wet and then ... "
"... they chew the power cables?"
"Yeah."

In other news we have three international days at the end of term. Basically we get to teach between 4-8 extra lessons about China to our groups ... it's not good. I've have so much extra lumped on me that I'm faling behind with marking ...

Chibi does not want to go back to school. Chibi is liking her sleep.

However Chibi has been getting a little bored because of putting off things (marked a metric ton of mock papers took a LOT of time. Stupid examiners why can't they do tick boxes) and cooking random stuff like rocky road bars and ham.

Student Randomness

"This scene is really only here to keep the play alive, along with all the other scenes which are trying to be funny. Another one is Act 4 Scene 1 which continues from the boring bits of the play. Bits like "monster I do smell horse piss" which young and old would find funny if they haven’t been amused for quite some time.

"I have many friends at school and if I want to go to the toilet they would come with me. But sometimes I like to be independent."

Have also discovered that "State Blue" is the colour of Dantes, not Midnight Blue ... boo ... no interesting colour name for me.

- One day later -

And also, does it make me strage that I'm watching Stephen Fry in the British Library and wanting to be in there, just stroking and petting the books, ad all the trays whizzing around with books on them *dribbles* so many beautiful books.

Ooh ohh and even better, I'm not doing Dickens with Year 9 anymore, too many of us are doing that so I have moved onto Lord of the Flies!! Yes! Decent bookage here I come!

Hello chickens

Fairly uneventful week so far, one child on the verge of explusion, another being bundled into three detentions just to do the work he should have done in twenty minutes a week ago. Spent an hour in the tutors meeting and the "pupils causing concern" section lasted 40 minutes.

It's starting to get very heavy with the slog into the exam periods with my already pitiable social life dropping to a teeny tiny trickle, despite the invitations. Instead of having a rather pleasant pub brunch this morning I chose sixth form marking instead, go me.

My main concern at the moment is my Year 12 AS group who seem to be getting absolutely nothing done and are lazy as hell. In fact it's become so bad that I have actually set aside time in my lesson plan to bollock them soundly. Their commentary essays average out at a paragraph each ... which they are supposed to get 60 marks for ... yes well.

Saw K-chan in his panto/comedy show as the resident dame, he does make a very effective woman ... although does need serious heeled-shoe walking lessons. However he is now back in man form and dozing on the bed after coming back from the aftershow party at 2:30, drenched through and very annoyed about colliding with someone on his bike. The language coming out of this boy! Although understable.

In other news, have completely lost interest in Megatokyo ... which is a shame as I was totally enjoying it right up until the last 20 strips. It seems to have become a total mess of in-jokes and plots within plots within plots. I am losing track.

Bloopers and unintentional humour or the week.

"There was a huge cue waiting to get onto the shuttle"
"Then they started barging into the cue."
"Birds provide essential meat and dairy" (mmm, bird milk)
"They committed Suisied" I am assuming this is the eighth Rozen maiden after Suiseiseki and Souseiseki

Year 8 were asked to practise their creative writing skills by creating a brochure encouraging pilgrims to visit Canterbury. Here are some examples (all spelling and punctuation mistakes are theirs faithfully copied by me):

Disclamier: It is not 100% guaranteed that your family will live because you prayed. Please be warned that if you live up North you may be killed while travelling through other towns that carry Black Death.

Becket was left here to die by those four knights, the least you could do is pay him a visit

* All statistics are approximate, actual amount of deaths may be incorect at time of printing

1 in 5 people die because they do not touch the shrine when they have plague (bubonic or neumonic, it doesn’t matter).

Bring anything. In order to protect their family Mr Bob brought his sons dead body in as an offering and the shrine saved the rest of them!

Join the Canterbury club and get a free pass for 2 years!

Your life, your family, your God


Don't you just love them?

In other news, I washed, waxed and stroked my car. It's scary how fond I am getting of it. I have hoovered the inside and even bought some wipes (47p for 120, thanks Tescos, Thescos)for the dahsboard and trim. I am guessing this is because it is the most expensive thing I own.

I have a formal with K-chan's CULES crowd on Saturday. Have bought gorgeous dress (with first paycheck of win and wonderful and currently hanging up in the room to have creases drop, which they did do quite rapidly) and am ready to attempt to look presentable. A little apprehensive actually as I tend to just feel I bit like a spare wheel at these functions, especially knowing no injokes or songs. However, some people I know are coming to it won't be too bad. Plus nice food and drinks always suit me.

Realised also that Gloucester teacher training prepared me a lot more for the real world than Cambridge does for their students. These guys are likely to have no practise in writing schemes of work and series of lessons, they ust seem to be borrowing everyone eles for ideas. Not that that is a bad thing, but t's jsut a bit ... you know

Oh yes if anyone is an amazon buyer or play or anything, buy your stuff through this link, it'll raise money for my school and get me one step closer to a projector in my classroom

http://www.buy.at/npa

Hello children

Having had a delciously wondeful few days up North I returned to a bucketload of marking which makes me very sad indeed. More on this later.

York and Harrogate were very good. Dantes survived the trip there and back and more to the point, I drove a motorway!!! W00t. I liken it to playing a game of timed chess: leapfrogging traffic (being a Knight); overtaking lorries (pawns in comparison to queens) and going diagonally over lanes (bishops). It was fun.

It was also wonderful seeing friends again but also friends who are also growing up. There was the distinct worry that I would return to York to find that I was an old fart and everyone was busy being young, footloose and fancy free. However no probs there.

We did stay at Faulty Towers in Harrogate though. We arrived mid-afternoon and were let in by a relatively a sparky chinese lady and a cement-faced chinese man who promptly left after we signed in. We found the room and napped for a bit before going out for dinner.

We then find a slightly annoyed man on the hotel doorstep who had been ringing the doorbell, buzzing the intercom and ringing the hotel for twenty minutes. We attempted to help, trying to find someone and finally saw someone in the basement through the windows. Guy knocked on them and waited on the doorstep. Next look at the windows and the guy has turned the light out and drawn the net curtains. Kindness.

He lets us go and continues his harassment. We go to steakhouse and K-chan doesn't take on the 72oz steak challenge, he settles with the biggest one on the menu instead. Hour of eating later and a Much-Rounded K-chan is rolled out of restaurant filled with a 20oz steak. He claims he will settle for a 16oz T-bone next time instead ... only so he can have dessert.

After a fun gig night down Blues Bar and a pleasant stroll back to Faulty Towers. The room wasn't bad and the amenites were quite good (free stuff! woo! I need a travel sewing kit ... don't I?) However, we wake up the next morning only to find a distinct lack of hot water. Nevertheless, as we are going to the spa we don't mind too much and go to brekkie.

Find that hotel has kitty. Kitty made of win ... and bacon rinds. Kitty proves to have surprising knack for tilting head on one side, lifting a paw and making a sweet little noise, as well as noses your hand. All a complete ruse for bacon you understand. We didn't fall for it but we did give it bacon.

Also discovered that Harrogate is built on a few hills, possibly made out of old copies of the Daily Mail, they were everwhere. Luckily we were escorted into the spa before we could get infected by right wing tendencies, although we did moan about the lefties and the tourists in Wetherspoons afterwards (just to keep up appearances).

After spa-age and lunchies we return to York for our second night, back to the guest we love. It is so wonderfully twee, with chintzy bespreads and curtains and even better than that sherry in the room in crystal decanter! Yay! And K-chan kept me warm on the second night(on the first night in York he felt hot and decided to open the window and put the ceiling fan on to cool off the room, he then went to bed and stole the duvet, the naughty K-chan left me - the one nearest the open window - cold, although he did make it up to me with kisses).

Is now coming to the end of the throes of marking and Year 8 and discovering one funny thing:

"However there is no onomatopoeia in the Ballad of Charlotte Dymond because the author couldn't find an onomatopoeia that would fit in with the story line."

and also an essay from a girl I want to slap because her title, instead of being "Discuss the techniques used in a Ballad and their effect on the audience", was "My S.A." (puncuated by the same pink heart-shape periods tat dot her i's). She also has a distinct attitude problem doing the standard "I wasn't talkin!" even when her conversation is speiled back to her (as it turns out she DID, like, get off with him but not in THAT way because, like, no).